I took Sweet Pea to a visit with Bio Mom today. Her 4th in a row since she's gotten out of rehab. That has not happened in the 4 1/2 months that we've had Sweet Pea. Mom usually makes two in a row, then misses two, or one, etc. So, maybe rehab has helped her, and as a Christian, I hope so. However, as a human being Mama that looks into that sweet chubby little face everyday, feeds her, bathes her, prays for her, and rocks her to sleep, I have to say that today when I dropped her off, I felt a tremendous tug on my heartstrings. This is what I felt: Angst, protective mama bear instincts, ownership, loss, emptiness, something missing. Such is the life of a foster Mommy. Some cases are easier than others. Some parents really do try their hardest to turn their life around, and we foster mamas are glad to see the children back in the bio home. Reunification is always the first goal.
However, in this case, the parents started their walk with child services with Moms other two children 6 1/2 months before Sweet Pea was born. So, this puts them and us at almost the end of the journey. The caseworker doesn't tell me a whole lot, but I do know that for the first 6 months, parents did nothing to work their plan to support reunification, and don't think they're doing much this 6 months. The feeling I get from the caseworker is that its not looking good. Mental health problems play a role, dangerous criminal charges, jail, drugs, anger issues, lack of parenting skills.
I know that Sweet Pea is not mine. I know at this visit that I was looking at, and speaking to her mother. Sometimes, when I'm praying for Bio Mom, I find myself not really wanting to pray, but doing so because I feel that is what I should do as a Christian, but how bad is that for a Christian??? Okay, here it is: I'm really hoping that Bio Mom gets her life together, but that my family gets to keep Sweet Pea. The brutal honesty of my feelings scares me, and I wish that I could feel otherwise, but I intended this blog to show what it's really like to travel this foster to adopt journey, so I'm not going to sugarcoat it. You do get attached. Simple as that. So anyway friends, please continue to pray God's will for this little sweetie pie, and for my family that we may accept God's will, no matter the outcome. It is a difficult journey of emotions, but I STILL would do it again and again, for the most precious of God's gifts, the children.
Blessings to you no matter what journey you are embarking on.
The Queen Mama